The Real Growlerville 13: Imposimazoo ATBE Redux

(A first hand account by investigative journalist, Mr. E)

Across the street, because it's not governmental, the EARS (Encrusted Animal Rights Society) building is open. It's deserted, no one even at the doorman station. I wander back to the conference room, where all the lights are on, but no one is here.

On the dais is my rubber cricket, wrapped in two identical white handkerchiefs. I can't believe Grandpa Huhu is so sloppy with valuable evidence, so I roll up the fake bug in the hankies, and pop it into my shirt pocket.

There's a newspaper on the conference table with the headline, "Imposimazoo Discovered At Dig." It's a strange yet familiar name. I recall that in the Hall Of Disasters at the museum, it has its own pavilion.

There is a photograph of an archaeologist standing in front of the Growlerville waterslide, holding a ceramic urn decorated with ancient hieroglyphs. According to the article, the scientists uncovered an urn, buried deep beneath huge, intentionally positioned stones, that bore the markings of the mythological creature, the Imposimazoo.

The name "Imposimazoo" translates as "superlative impostor."

For most of history, the Huhu never knew what the imposimazoo looked like. They only knew that it represented a monumental disaster that caused great societal disruption until it was finally overcome and contained by the ancients. Its powerful ability to mimic physical objects wreaked havoc on the populous.

Victims were confused by the appearance of extra shoes, jewelry, clothing, even extraneous body parts, like extra ears, fingers and noses. Finally, relief was discovered in the form of an encrusted aromatic capability, or magic smell, that enabled the capture and containment of the menace.

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Before I can learn any more, my reading is interrupted by a rush of footsteps behind me and in an instant I am surrounded by large men wearing uniforms. Some of them are familiar security police, and others wear badges that say "environmental enforcement." They are aiming their screeching sampling devices at my feet.

Apparently they detect something on my person. Using some ancient looking cylinders - flashlight-like devices that give off amazingly brilliant green and red lights - they focus the beams on my shoes.

I watch as shimmering purple traces on the soles slowly fade away. I am told that I have been cleansed of the contaminant, ATBE or All Things Being Equal.

The officers who are treating me say that I am lucky to not have been affected by the spores I had on my shoes.

The primary symptoms of confusion and indecision seem minor until it is explained to me that the uncontrolled spread of ATBE throughout Growlerville is the reason the election had to be postponed.

No one could make up their minds in the voting booth. And when they finally rescued the Election Committee, they found them victimized in a pathetic discussion of whether or not to break for lunch - yesterday's lunch.

Apparently, ATBE destroys your ability to make decisions by making all the possibilities you are considering appear equal.

Insidious poison!

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But now everything seems to be under control. A last minute breakthrough revealed that there is a vast difference between fresh rainwater, and more stale forms of the same liquid. Only extremely fresh rainwater fueled the ATBE fires.

Researchers found that when stale water (like from the birdbath) was added to ATBE samples, there was no reaction. When added to an ongoing purple fire reaction caused by fresh rainwater, the stale water interrupted the reaction and brought it to a complete halt. Then the rescuers were able to eliminate the remaining spores with the emitters' red and green curative lights.

***********************************

The rescuers persuade me to volunteer to help them extinguish ATBE. They issue me some equipment, which includes an emitter, a uniform and a shovel.

I get a quick course on how to use the emitter, the shovel, and other miscellaneous supplies. But as I am getting ready to leave with them, one of the security police asks me if I know anything about the theft of ancient artifacts.

He is staring at my shirt pocket. My mind is racing. He looks very serious, like maybe I committed a crime. Is the cricket I took from the lot in the industrial park an ancient artifact?

They didn't have rubber or plastic back then. I pull the hanky wrapped bug from my pocket and hand it to the officer. Before I can explain how I came into possession of the bug, the cop unrolls the cloth, revealing not one, but two fake crickets!

The rubber bug is reproducing! I am too shocked to comment. The cop focuses not on the weird fake insects, but the handkerchief in which they were packaged, picking it up and carefully inspecting the monogram, which until now I had not even noticed.

******************    I find myself under arrest    *******************

In the next few moments, I find myself under arrest, advised of my rights, and held without bail, charged with the theft of cultural artifacts and the environmental crime of reckless dispersal.

Apparently, the newly discovered urn containing the Imposimazoo was stolen. The fear is that its contents were released into the environment.

I am being falsely accused of this crime based on my possession of a hanky.

No explanation is forthcoming. A total bummer. I am handcuffed and led away, a victim of circumstantial injustice.

But on the positive side, as a prisoner, I gain entrance to the Huhu Authority building, where the real action is.

As I sit on a hard bench in a caged detention area, I begin to realize the magnitude of my troubles.

Then, suddenly, it hits me. Just as the danger of ATBE is subsiding, another disaster takes its place.

Having two fake bugs now when before there was only one, is hard to explain, but there is an equally troubling aberration. When the cop unrolled the bugs, there was only one hanky!

next - Victimized By Imposimazoo